Starting a new blog is a big undertaking, but lately, putting my socks away has felt like a big undertaking. So, may as well try, right?

There are a lot of reasons I am concerned about my ability to actually create a blog and keep it going. I keep deleting lines of text because I second-guess everything I do. I fear that I will not be able to do justice to a topic that is so important to me. Will I be able to produce content? I’ve started a lot of projects that I eventually bail on and I don’t want to bail on this one. I really want to do this, maybe I need to.

I guess I don’t have much faith in myself. There is so much self-doubt bouncing around in my head all the time, but especially when it comes to sharing things with others. I don’t think many people who know me well or have been around me would think that was true, but I happen to be really good at something called masking. If you are also someone who was diagnosed with autism as an adult, masking is something you’re already pretty familiar with.

For those not in the know, it is what it sounds like: putting on a mask to fit into a situation. That situation for autistic people is often any social situation, and yes, that even includes just typing to you from behind a computer screen. At least for me. It’s not that we are acting or lying, or sometimes even trying to do it. It’s just that rocking back and forth or other stimming behaviors may be seen as strange. Rambling on for too long about your favorite topic before you can realize it might seem rude or self-indulgent. Maybe people have always commented on how you won’t look them in the eye so you try to learn how to because you have to learn how to look people in the eye.

I’ve spent so much of my life, even after finding out I was autistic, still stuck in a mask of a more normal person that I was always trying to be instead of being really me. Hiding in plain sight.