Starting a new blog is a big undertaking, but lately, putting my socks away has felt like a big undertaking. So, may as well try, right?

There are a lot of reasons I am concerned about my ability to actually create a blog and keep it going. I keep deleting lines of text because I second-guess everything I do. I fear that I will not be able to do justice to a topic that is so important to me. Will I be able to produce the right content? I’ve started a lot of projects that I eventually bail on and I don’t want to bail on this one. I really want to do this, maybe I need to.

I guess I don’t have much faith in myself. There is so much self-doubt bouncing around in my head all the time, but especially when it comes to sharing things with others. I don’t think many people who know me well or have been around me would think that was true, but I happen to be really good at something called masking. If you are also someone who was diagnosed with autism as an adult, masking is something you’re already pretty familiar with.

For those not in the know, it is what it sounds like: putting on a mask to fit into a situation. That situation for autistic people is often any social situation, and yes, that even includes just typing to you from behind a computer screen. At least for me. It’s not that we are acting or lying, or sometimes even trying to do it. It’s just that rocking back and forth or other stimming behaviors may be seen as strange. Rambling on for too long about your favorite topic before you can realize it might seem rude or self-indulgent. Maybe people have always commented on how you won’t look them in the eye so you try to learn how to, because you have to learn how to look people in the eye.

I’ve spent so much of my life, even after finding out I was autistic, still stuck in a mask of the more normal person that I was always trying to be instead of being really me. Hiding in plain sight. Not being diagnosed until later in life meant that I was fully expected to be “normal,” even I expected that, and this caused me to try to hide a lot of my unique quirks for fear of being labelled crazy. I was worried maybe I was crazy deep down and it might leak out one day. I had a whole list of things in my head of what I wasn’t supposed to do or what I wasn’t supposed to be like, but I had and possibly have little idea of what I am supposed to do. There are times it has felt like maybe I’m more my mask than me.

If that were true, then what do I really have to share with anyone else? Or worse yet, am I arrogant for even thinking my writing is of interest? The truth is – I don’t know. But I think I have to try. Maybe I will be disappointed with the quality of my writing, or not live up to goals I hope to reach by sharing about my life. Maybe no one will care and they will also be disappointed with the quality of my writing. Maybe it’s a bad idea to start your first post as a cathartic pick-me-up for yourself. Again, I don’t know.

But I do know I have to try. And I think I can. But if I don’t try I know I’ll regret it. My goal in life is to die with as few regrets as possible. I can’t let my fear that I have nothing important to say, or that I’m not entertaining enough, or that I will give up hold me back from doing the thing. I’ve come through so much to be where I am today. I want to share from that experience and hear from others who know what it’s like.

I hope some part of my journey comforts or inspires you. I’m looking forward to seeing what this might become. I am dedicated to peeling back the mask and letting my true self shine. Thank you for reading, reader. Let’s get started.